I’ve often said before that the ideal city to live in would be the people of Bombay, the setting of Delhi, the weather of Bangalore and nothing of Chennai. I think it might be time to rephrase that given how our people have been the center of George-Bush-level stupidity over the last few weeks.

First, the management at our very own sufi shrine Haji Ali banned women from entering the dargah. This has obviously been a cause for much uproar amongst women’s activist groups such as the Bharatiya Muslim Mahila Andolan (BMMA), or as they’re called in Saudi Arabia (LOL). I think it’s safe to say that women in our country have had a tough few months. First they aren’t allowed to leave their houses after 8 pm. If they do, they better not be around men who eat chow mean, coz that is apparently a prime cause of rape. Even if they do get raped, it’s probably their fault coz they were either carrying cellphones or wearing short clothes. The only hope left was praying to god – oh wait – they can’t do that either. Poetic. I’m surprised we’re even letting them be born. And when I say ‘we’ I’m not including Haryana.

When I read the news, my first thought was that this might be a good business decision to drive profits by charging stag entry to all men entering Haji Ali – then I realized that this is primarily a nightclub method of generating revenue. And Haji Ali could never be a nightclub. If it were, it’d be called something way shorter and cooler. Like “Als” or “Prè”.

I’m wondering, at what point will the Haji Ali management realize that the ‘no women’ policy has given Haji Ali this really weird engineering college vibe. (Haji Ali Polytechnic College Of Engineering). Infact, one would think that having women around would make the process of praying much easier. Surely at one point somebody inside must be thinking, “Man, this is a giant sausage (chicken) fest”.

Much before this incident, the collective IQ of the city was already lowered when over 200 of our South Bombay citizens stood outside the newly opened Starbucks at Colaba for over 2 hours just to get one look at the world renowned coffee chain. Amongst those who stood in line, some (suspected Cathedral students) claimed that they couldn’t wait to try the international taste that Starbucks coffee had to offer. When asked if they knew that Tata, who imported indigenous coffee beans from southern Karnataka, provided the beans used to make the coffee – one South Bombay-ite immediately responded with “What’s a Karnataka?” I’m pretty sure that if a survey was taken, not more than 3 people in that entire set would know who was standing for elections in their constituency – or knew how to spell constituency (again, suspected Cathedral students). A day or two later, another outlet opened at Oberoi mall in Goregaon because the Starbucks management claimed that they wanted to diversify their product chain into different market demographics… which is just management ball-talk for “we also want poor people to buy our shit”.

Despite this magnanimous display of mammoth daftness, there was one gloriously redeeming moment for our city. When I drove past the outlet a week later, I noticed that right beside the giant international capitalist-globalized-shiny-glowing Starbucks logo lay a smaller yet entirely visible writing of Starbucks in Hindi. I don’t know what it is about our beloved devanagri script – but everytime a multinational brand has it’s logo written in hindi – it’s like watching a donkey drop a giant turd on cartful of Louis Vitton handbags.

So the next time you’re having the inevitable Bombay vs Delhi debate – and somebody brings up the age old argument – “but I don’t like the people of delhi ya! They’re so like.. pretentious!” – remember that the branded dress they’re wearing has cotton that was picked by a farmer from Ratnagiri. Don’t tell them that. Let them believe they’re… somehow better. Just smile and wave boys.. smile and wave.

This was originally published in my column in Time Out Mumbai, November issue.

As somebody who makes a living by doling out opinion in magazines, on the internet and on stage– it’s been an interesting couple of weeks. First, Award Winning Cartoonist and Internet Freedom Crusader, Aseem Trivedi was charged under the sedition law for his anti corruption cartoons. The image of Aseem being taken into custody, pumping his fist in the air – created quite a stir in the national consciousness, causing the common man to raise a key question “yeh uncle baal kab kata raha hai?”

Meanwhile, Innocence of Muslims, a film uploaded online, resulted in large-scale protests and violence around the world causing damage to public property and death. I’m assuming it’ll be going straight to DVD.

I saw the film earlier last week (still available on YouTube) and I wouldn’t be surprised if people around the world protested, not against the content, but against the physical assault the film made against their eyes, ears and aesthetic sense. Even Barfi, who frankly only has his eyes going for him, would willingly donate his cornea.

Soon I checked out Trivedi’s controversial cartoons, including that of the national emblem with heads of wolves and the words “Bhrashta Mein Vijayte” (the one that landed him in jail). This cartoon raised several questions in my head – “Is this really that offensive?” “Why does the government care more about symbols than it’s citizens?” and most importantly “Didn’t Rohit Shetty’s Singham do the same poster with Ajay Devgn’s head instead of the wolves?” (true story, look it up)

While I entirely and whole-heartedly think that the sedition law is a load of horse crap and Trivedi should’ve never gone to jail, I couldn’t help but think to myself “Man, these are some really sh**ty cartoons”. One of the cartoons on the site depicted an actual toilet in the shape of the parliament – whichI  was most offended by. How can you compare our national parliament to a toilet? How dare he insult the toilet? I mean, a visit to the toilet actually makes you feel good. The parliament pleases none. The Parliament can only dream about the day they please people as much as a beautiful morning bowel movement. Have you ever seen anybody go inside a toilet and walk out corrupt? Have terrorists ever attacked your toilet? No sir, never.

I really wished the cartoon that got Trivedi in trouble was an idea that was biting, original and made a point – and not one that makes me want to go “dude puff puff pass”.

Which brings me to the question: Does everybody deserve free speech? In an ideal world, yes, but in a world with the Internet?

A large chunk of the Internet still lets you say almost anything you want freely and anonymously. Too many crazy people (mostly Japanese) have access to this place. Infact, Roadies begins its auditions every year through the online medium. This should tell you something.

I think it would be a big step in the direction of peace if it were made mandatory for everyone who uploads anything on the Internet to fill out one basic nutjob-filter form. For example:

1) What would you do if you met a person of a different religion/race/ethnicity and didn’t agree with his opinion?

a) I would say “While I back your right to say what you want, I would like to politely disagree”
b) HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT! YOU SHOULD DIE! YOUR GOD SUX

c) hey tweethearts here’s my latest pixxxxxx

If you answer Mostly A’s, you’re clean but you’ll have to stick to your word. If you answer Mostly B’s, your computer should be taken away to a far away location that nobody will go to – like Narnia, Hogwarts or Zimbabwe. If you answered mostly C’s, then… why it’s nice to meet you, Poonam Pandey.

If the folks from Sweden are reading, do send me my Nobel Peace prize to the Time Out Office. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go watch some cartoons that don’t make me want to kill someone.

I wrote this originally for Time Out Mumbai magazine issue in September.